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I had a pretty rough night last night..
Every time I closed my eyes I was in his room again. Watching helplessly as I was that day. Every time I fell asleep, I relived the last week of his life over and over. I must have clenched my jaw shut tight all night, because this morning when I woke up my jaw is so sore I have to keep an ice pack on it. I know that if I take a sleeping pill it helps, but I don't want to get addicted to sleeping pills. Plus, they make me groggy the next day. I'm trying to rest up today, Chris is outside cutting grass. Jaycee is content to watch sponge bob. The older two kids are with their dad. But, I still cant seem to rest. I know it will come in time.
Then, last night on our way home from eating, Jaycee keeps asking for Papa (my dad), which she never does. That's probably why he was so much on my mind last night. Not that I need a reason for him to be on my mind, he usually always is.
So now, im going to do housework, that seems to keep my mind off things.
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Faye, I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you and your family to get through this time and gain some peace in your hearts. When I read this here post I instantly felt a connection with you because my dad passed away Jan31 this year after battling pancreatic cancer since Sept08. Thats only 6 months from the time of diagnosis to the day he passed away. He was only 54. It was a very quick thing for our family to process and for months after the image of him in his hospital bed those last 24 hours kept popping back into my mind as well. Cancer changes you so quickly that he was not the dad I knew those last 5 days. Its almost an excruciating feeling to watch a loved one go and you can do nothing to help other than give pain meds. I would never in a million years wish this experience on my worst enemy and I'm sorry you and your family had to experience something like this. But, I'm just here to say that those images will fade and all that will be left for you are his sweet spirit that you loved so much and the love you shared.
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