Hard Nights..

Wow, its been a while since I've done this. I needed to come post today because I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. The past few nights have been a little rough. Thoughts of my dad have been plaguing me, and I haven't been sleeping well again. It keeps coming back. All of it. The last few days of his life. The suffering. The pain. The decision that I still am not sure were the right ones. I keep seeing his face two days before he passed. I kept thinking to myself, "he will get out of here soon." All he kept saying was that he wanted to go home, and we couldn't give him that. The night before he passed. He kept saying he was having trouble breathing. They upped his oxygen as much as it would go. He slept on and off. Getting the call the morning before he passed, saying we needed to get to the hospital, we needed to decide if we wanted him intubated. Getting to the hospital and seeing that ghastly oxygen mask on him, taking up his whole head, and him just gasping, and seeing his glazed eyes, in disbelief. "I cant breathe, I cant breathe" Its all to much. I keep remembering the doctor telling us that if the got on the breathing machine, that he would not get off. But, how could we just let him suffocate. Literally. Just let him sit there not being able to breathe, and letting it happen. We asked him if he wanted to be on it, and he shook his head yes. But I also keep remembering that he always said he didn't want to be on life support. We were denying another wish. But we couldn't just let him suffocate, right? I remember coming into the room after he was intubated, and he kept trying to say something, but with the tube in this mouth no one knew what it was. He was fighting the machine. I remember whispering in his ear that he had to relax, and let the machine help him. "Daddy, stop fighting it and relax, let it help your lungs get strong enough so they can take it off" Knowing in my heart that it would not happen. I remember going to the chapel and just praying and praying that he would be OK, and then I just prayed that the lord would do whatever it was that would make my dad not suffer anymore. How can I be so selfish as to want him to live if it would be all about him suffering, but my dad would still be here. So many thoughts. So many things that I wonder if it should have been done differently. And the last memory is always the same, as the machines starting getting slower, his heartbeat, his oxygen level, whispering in his ear that I loved him. Holding his hand as his last hear beats showed on the screen. ::sigh::

"The Magic Word"

Ok, so we have been trying to teach Jaycee "the magic word" which in our house is PLEASE!
Chris sits with her and this is how the conversation goes:
Chris: "The magic word is PLEASE, now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "the magic word"
Chris: "NO, the magic word is PLEASE.. Now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: ((giggles) the magic word!!!
Chris: (more forceful) "NO JAYCEE, the MAGIC WORD IS PLEASE, now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "magic word"

LOLOLOLOL finally he gives up..

SO the next day, He tries again, same thing! I say, let me try a different way, and here is how it goes!

Me: "Jaycee, the magic word is please, please is the magic word. Now, whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "PLEASE"

WHOOHOOO.. I think she just wanted to piss her dad off, but regardless of the situation, she now knows "the magic word"!!!

I just wanted to see If I could get an image up... WHOOOHOOO I did it!! LOL My wonderful family!!

Wavering Faith

::HUGE SIGH::

So, for the last few weeks, my faith has been wavering a bit. I know its wrong, but I cant help it. I prayed and prayed and begged and prayed so much.. for nothing. I know its not for nothing but that's the way it seems to me. Its been rough. Ive been telling everyone I'm fine.. I'm not. I keep telling myself that if I pray for the strenght to guide me through this, it will help. BUT, i prayed for my dad, and It didn't help, so why waist my time. Everyone says, well he is no longer suffering. Why did he have to suffer in the first place? Why him? He never hurt anyone. Never wronged anyone. Its just not fair. He has had to go through so much in his life, I don't understand it all!

So, that's where i am now. I just needed to get that out.

Trip back home..

Well, I will be making my first trip back to my moms (Its weird not saying parents) house since the funeral. After the funeral we went to the house, but I didnt go into the living room. Thats where all the pictures are, and the hospital bed for my dad. I couldnt handle seeing it without him in there. My mom slept in the hospital bed until they came pick it up a few days ago. Im a little anxious. It will look so weird to not see him there, to not see the bed there, to just see the living room back to the way it was a mere 2 1/2 months ago before his diagnosis. WOW.. it doesnt seem like it was that short of a time as it sounds. I guess for me, it was moving in slow motion. Never in a million years did I think that after being diagnosed with cancer that he would only live another 2 1/2 months. ::sigh::

So back on track.. im nervous. I know that probably sounds silly to alot of people, but thats how I feel. I miss him so much. I cant belive that I will only see him from now on in pictures and my memory. Thats hard to take in.

I wish my mom would come to my house for a little while. I miss her alot to and I know shes still hurting, and I just want to hug her all the time, but I cant. I know she wont come. I know she feels closer to him at home, where she is surrounded by his presence. Im a little envious of that, but now that im going back im nervous as well. So many emotions. I hope that this trip back will be good for me. Thanks for listening!

With Love.. Fay

Rough Night

I had a pretty rough night last night..

Every time I closed my eyes I was in his room again. Watching helplessly as I was that day. Every time I fell asleep, I relived the last week of his life over and over. I must have clenched my jaw shut tight all night, because this morning when I woke up my jaw is so sore I have to keep an ice pack on it. I know that if I take a sleeping pill it helps, but I don't want to get addicted to sleeping pills. Plus, they make me groggy the next day. I'm trying to rest up today, Chris is outside cutting grass. Jaycee is content to watch sponge bob. The older two kids are with their dad. But, I still cant seem to rest. I know it will come in time.

Then, last night on our way home from eating, Jaycee keeps asking for Papa (my dad), which she never does. That's probably why he was so much on my mind last night. Not that I need a reason for him to be on my mind, he usually always is.

So now, im going to do housework, that seems to keep my mind off things.

Pictures

Yesterday when we went to make the final arrangements, the guy told us that there was an easel set up in front of the chapel to place photos of daddy. So now, I have the task of looking through old and new pictures of him. I am writing this through a tear soaked face. I am already upset with all of this.. this is really not helping the situation. I miss him so much already. Just knowing that the next time I see him, he will be laid out to rest, is more than i can bear right now. How can I look through the pictures of all of our happy times.. when this is the most unhappy time of my life!!! He was only 59 years old, he didn't even make it to his 60th birthday in November. We wont be able to have another Christmas with him. We didn't realize that last Christmas would be our last one with him.. how could we have known!!!!! So, that is my task today. I still cant bring myself to do it yet. I know I have to though. My stomach is so upset just thinking about it. ::sigh:: Lord give me strength. Lord give me strength. Lord give me strength!!!!!