"The Magic Word"

Ok, so we have been trying to teach Jaycee "the magic word" which in our house is PLEASE!
Chris sits with her and this is how the conversation goes:
Chris: "The magic word is PLEASE, now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "the magic word"
Chris: "NO, the magic word is PLEASE.. Now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: ((giggles) the magic word!!!
Chris: (more forceful) "NO JAYCEE, the MAGIC WORD IS PLEASE, now whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "magic word"

LOLOLOLOL finally he gives up..

SO the next day, He tries again, same thing! I say, let me try a different way, and here is how it goes!

Me: "Jaycee, the magic word is please, please is the magic word. Now, whats the magic word?"
Jaycee: "PLEASE"

WHOOHOOO.. I think she just wanted to piss her dad off, but regardless of the situation, she now knows "the magic word"!!!

I just wanted to see If I could get an image up... WHOOOHOOO I did it!! LOL My wonderful family!!

Wavering Faith

::HUGE SIGH::

So, for the last few weeks, my faith has been wavering a bit. I know its wrong, but I cant help it. I prayed and prayed and begged and prayed so much.. for nothing. I know its not for nothing but that's the way it seems to me. Its been rough. Ive been telling everyone I'm fine.. I'm not. I keep telling myself that if I pray for the strenght to guide me through this, it will help. BUT, i prayed for my dad, and It didn't help, so why waist my time. Everyone says, well he is no longer suffering. Why did he have to suffer in the first place? Why him? He never hurt anyone. Never wronged anyone. Its just not fair. He has had to go through so much in his life, I don't understand it all!

So, that's where i am now. I just needed to get that out.

Trip back home..

Well, I will be making my first trip back to my moms (Its weird not saying parents) house since the funeral. After the funeral we went to the house, but I didnt go into the living room. Thats where all the pictures are, and the hospital bed for my dad. I couldnt handle seeing it without him in there. My mom slept in the hospital bed until they came pick it up a few days ago. Im a little anxious. It will look so weird to not see him there, to not see the bed there, to just see the living room back to the way it was a mere 2 1/2 months ago before his diagnosis. WOW.. it doesnt seem like it was that short of a time as it sounds. I guess for me, it was moving in slow motion. Never in a million years did I think that after being diagnosed with cancer that he would only live another 2 1/2 months. ::sigh::

So back on track.. im nervous. I know that probably sounds silly to alot of people, but thats how I feel. I miss him so much. I cant belive that I will only see him from now on in pictures and my memory. Thats hard to take in.

I wish my mom would come to my house for a little while. I miss her alot to and I know shes still hurting, and I just want to hug her all the time, but I cant. I know she wont come. I know she feels closer to him at home, where she is surrounded by his presence. Im a little envious of that, but now that im going back im nervous as well. So many emotions. I hope that this trip back will be good for me. Thanks for listening!

With Love.. Fay

Rough Night

I had a pretty rough night last night..

Every time I closed my eyes I was in his room again. Watching helplessly as I was that day. Every time I fell asleep, I relived the last week of his life over and over. I must have clenched my jaw shut tight all night, because this morning when I woke up my jaw is so sore I have to keep an ice pack on it. I know that if I take a sleeping pill it helps, but I don't want to get addicted to sleeping pills. Plus, they make me groggy the next day. I'm trying to rest up today, Chris is outside cutting grass. Jaycee is content to watch sponge bob. The older two kids are with their dad. But, I still cant seem to rest. I know it will come in time.

Then, last night on our way home from eating, Jaycee keeps asking for Papa (my dad), which she never does. That's probably why he was so much on my mind last night. Not that I need a reason for him to be on my mind, he usually always is.

So now, im going to do housework, that seems to keep my mind off things.

Pictures

Yesterday when we went to make the final arrangements, the guy told us that there was an easel set up in front of the chapel to place photos of daddy. So now, I have the task of looking through old and new pictures of him. I am writing this through a tear soaked face. I am already upset with all of this.. this is really not helping the situation. I miss him so much already. Just knowing that the next time I see him, he will be laid out to rest, is more than i can bear right now. How can I look through the pictures of all of our happy times.. when this is the most unhappy time of my life!!! He was only 59 years old, he didn't even make it to his 60th birthday in November. We wont be able to have another Christmas with him. We didn't realize that last Christmas would be our last one with him.. how could we have known!!!!! So, that is my task today. I still cant bring myself to do it yet. I know I have to though. My stomach is so upset just thinking about it. ::sigh:: Lord give me strength. Lord give me strength. Lord give me strength!!!!!

May He Rest In Peace

This has been the most difficult time in my life..
He is gone..
I will never see him smile again..
Never hear him call me "boo" again..
I will never beable to look into his beautiful blue eyes again.. the same eyes he has passed on to my daughter..
He will not beable to see his grandchildren graduate, marry, and have children..
He will never beable to meet his great grandchildren..
But I am a little bit in piece knowing that his suffering is over..
He will no longer be in pain.

The only thing that I worry and continue to worry and hurt about is .. Did we do enough.. Did we do what he would have wanted us to do.. Did we upset him by putting him on life support??

He tried talking to us.. but with the tube in his mouth.. we didnt know what he was saying.. Would that have made a difference? Was he trying to tell us this is not what he wanted? I cant get the image out of my head of him trying to talk.. trying to tell us somthing.. but what???? I will never forget the sound of the resperatory maching.. pump.. pump.. pump..
I will never forget watching his heart slow down.. his breathing.. his pulse.. and watching it all stop.. me kissing his already pale face and telling him how much I love him.

BUT, I will also never forget the love he had for my mother, myself and my sister, and his grandchildren. He was the best father anyone could ever ask for.. I will never forget his playful nature. I will never forget his joking, his quiet temperament..His fight to live.. His fight to help free his country!!

So although I have a heavy heart.. I am ok. I know he is no longer suffering and he is at peace. Finally.. no more struggling..

I love you daddy.. more than words can say.. and i miss you.. I will never forget you.